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Thursday, June 1, 2006

Fixing a Night at the Movies

I actually went out to see a movie for the first the first time in a while this week, as opposed to just waiting for the DVD or catching the flick on cable. Though I haven’t heard the complaint in recent months, I thought I’d offer theater owners that like to wine about movie rentals killing their business some advice.

Turn up (meaning give us less of) the freakin’ air conditioning! I’m not sure when it was decided that we like to freeze our you-know-whats off at the movies, but I’d like to change this rule. I really don’t want to bring a jacket just to watch a movie when its sweltering outside. What exactly is wrong with having the thermometer at 70 degrees? Maybe theater managers are the type that like to have a blanket over them as they watch a movie on the couch at home. Ok, fine. This isn’t possible at a theater. Stop making me shiver.

Confiscate cell phones. It’s bad enough every sporting event now has at least one idiot waving with a cell phone in his ear at a camera he can’t even see with his buddy saying, “Dude, you’re on!” (It’s TV, people. Get over it.) Now, we have glowing lights popping up every five seconds because putting the cell on vibrate is apparently too unreliable, and the world may end if we miss the 10th “Whatyadoin’?” call of the day. Here’s a tip: If you’re not a doctor, it can wait. If it can’t, don’t go to the damn movie.

Anything over two hours needs an intermission. Yeah, this one’s a bit picky, but c’mon! Even if you skip the concessions and avoid all liquids for an hour before leaving, you know you’re squirming to use the bathroom by the end. Give us a break!

Stop giving away other entire movies in previews. Adam Sandler’s next movie, Click, looks decent, but I already know the basic story. He’s given a clicker that can do all the things a regular clicker can do, except it works on life. Fast-forwarding through fights with his wife, some guffaws with the pause button, etc., all seems pretty cool. Sounds like a funny film. But then the preview shows how the fast-forward function gets stuck. If you can’t guess the rest of the movie except for details, put your head down and rest.

Finally . . . clean the men’s room! I’m not saying make it sparkle. But some of us actually need the accessible stall, and would like to be able to hold the bar without wondering what the hell got it wet.

Try even a couple of these and maybe, just maybe, waiting for the DVD won’t seem so appealing.

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